Bar Fight! 2011
by AshRB
Summary: The wizard of Castanet didn't know quite what to expect when he walked into the Brass Bar on that fateful night. A Secret Santa gift for Plain Username! Crack story.


**WARNING! This is a crack story, so be prepared for the most random of humor!**

**Happy Holidays, Plain Username!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harvest Moon or illegal narcotics. (I wouldn't be caught dead with the stuff...)**

**I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes! **

_**Bar Fight! 2011**_

The wizard of Castanet didn't know quite what to expect when he walked into the Brass Bar on that fateful night.

It was the 19th day of Winter. A.k.a, Wishmas Eve. Wishmas was still a relatively new holiday. It had been created to commemorate the day that four of the local farmers had managed to ring the purple bell atop the church. Every year on the day before the holiday each resident would make a wish to the Harvest Goddess. Everybody would then gather at the bar and await midnight, for at midnight the deity would grant the wishes, if it was within her power. On this particular year, the festival fell on Winter 20th.

Wizard didn't particularly want to go. Scratch that. He would have preferred falling in the ocean, being taken prisoner by mermaids, and washing up on some beach only to be found by a mad scientist who would then feed him to the deadliest of creatures, the fanerlous girlnoablous, just to observe the pain properties of magic users, in opposed to going to the bar. The bar was going to be CROWDED with people, the whole of Castanet, in fact! In his whole immortal life the wizard had never been around more than maybe ten people at once. He simply didn't have the people skills to handle large get togethers. Despite his obvious displeasure in joining in the festivities, the mayor had required that every citizen, the wizard included, be in the Brass Bar to welcome the oncoming holiday, or face…_PUNISHMENT!_

The wizard stood in the doorway and surveyed the room around him. It very much resembled a can of sardines…and half the town wasn't even there yet! Tables and chairs covered every available inch of floor space and even some of Selena's stage had to be used for seating purposes! The dancer in question was forced "to get her groove thing on" in the smallest corner of the bar while wearing a red Harvest Sprite costume that was two sizes too big for her. Maya stood on top of one of the tables and appeared to be attempting to hang colorful, bell shaped lights on the ceiling. Every time the young woman tilted her head back in order to get a better look at the ceiling in question, her yellow Harvest Sprite hat would fall off. Kathy was dashing from table to table, writing at near break neck speed the orders of the bar's patrons. This task was made even harder by the fact that the sleeves of her blue sprite outfit kept getting in her way. Behind the bar, Hayden was busy pouring drinks while garbed in a sprite costume the color of green. He had to pour them quickly because the four local ranchers, Molly, Kasey, Kevin, and Akari kept breathing the alcohol down! They could barely keep their balance on the bar stools.

The Wizard found a seat in the left hand corner of the room at a table that wasn't too full. At said table Luna and Gil were deeply enthralled in a conversation about money. Somebody else sat at the table too, but they were hidden behind a large newspaper. The wizard walked up to the table.

"Mind if…I sit…here?" the magic user asked the ones who already sat there.

Gil and Luna looked up at him.

"Sure," said the girl.

"Whatever," said the boy.

Wizard took a seat next to the mysterious person behind the newspaper. At his new angle he could see that it was Luna's blue haired sister. Candace was it? He decided to try to be at least a _little _sociable and talk to her.

"…Greetings…"he greeted.

"H-Hello…" she whispered back.

What would he say now? How did other people have conversations? Did they talk about similar interests? Wizard knew nothing about this girl!

"So…um…nice weather…we're having?" Wizard grasped for a subject.

"Y-yes. T-he weather has…been…nice…" Candace's response was barely audible.

Wizard glanced at the newspaper.

"So…what are…you…reading?" he asked.

Candace blushed and looked down.

"I'm n-not…really reading it…I…just n-need a place…to hide. I-I'm not…very good…at…talking…." she explained.

That was a brilliant idea!

"Mind if…I borrow part… of…it?" he asked, "I'm…not…great at…talking…either…"

The shy girl nodded and gave him half of the paper. Wizard flicked the large beast of a print straight and made sure that it was impossible for anyone to see his face. He let his eyes scan across the articles. One in particular caught his attention.

_Local Cowboy goes Missing_

_Last Tuesday on the Sunshine Islands a young man by the name of 'Vaughn' went missing. Known for his silver hair and emo-ness, Vaughn is popular amongst the ladies. His disappearance may be related to that of Gray of Mineral Town. At the scene of both crimes, this letter was left,_

"_The __**Skye**__ is so __**Gray**__ today. Let's go __**Chase**__ing __**Gale-**__winds and eat __**Luke**__-warm food. We're not sure how to disguise the words __**Gil **__and __**Vaughn**__ in a message…so…chow!"_

_On an unrelated note, the infamous thief Skye still hasn't been captured. We'll keep you posted on the latest developments in this story._

CRAP!

"Gil! Look…at this!" Wizard grabbed the mayor's son's arm and jerked him towards the paper.

Gil read the story. His eyes widened.

"LUKE! CHASE! GET OVER HERE!" the blonde haired man called to two other villagers hinted at in the story.

Luke's head popped up from a table close to where Selena was dancing. He climbed on top of his table and started jumping across them to get to the other side of the bar, causing Maya to drop a string of lights in the process. Chase walked out of the kitchen…wearing a purple Harvest Sprite costume…and a scowl. He begrudgingly dragged his feet to the table, garnering looks and snickers from the bar's patrons as he did so.

"WHAT?" the cook growled as he reached the table.

The people at the table couldn't help but stare at the poor chef.

"WELL? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME OVER FOR?" Chase crossed his arms.

"Your outfit matches your eyes," Luna giggled.

"I'm well aware of the properties of the stupid uniform I have been forced to wear," he sighed.

"Yeah, but how did you end up with the purple one, dude?" Luke asked.

"T-that's a…s-story I'm actually…kinda…curious…a-about…" Candace added.

The wizard looked down at his own clothes.

"What's the…big…deal?" the magic user asked, "I wear…violet…all the…time…

"Never mind that!" Gil interrupted, "Chase, Luke, read this."

Gil handed the two men the paper. After reading it Chase groaned and buried his head into his purple hat. Luke looked confused.

"So what if crazy people want to eat cold food?" the lumberjack asked, "What does that have to do with us?"

Gil rolled his eyes.

"All our names are in it, nitwit! It means somebody is going to try to kidnap us too! "

"Ohhh!"

"So…what do…we do? the wizard asked.

The three other men stared at him.

"What do you mean 'we?' Chase snapped.

"Yeah, the word 'wizard' isn't in this thing at all," Gil raised his eyebrows.

"Oh…right…"Wizard flushed, "Have I ever…told…you guys how…much I…hate…wind currents?"

While the three men deliberated about what to do, the magic user who came too close to his true name being revealed noticed that the pink haired Luna was looking at him with a grin.

"Why…are you…staring at...me?" he asked

"Do you like my sister?" her smile grew even bigger.

"Luna!" Candace gasped.

"Oh, don't try to deny it, you two!" Luna squealed with glee, "I heard your guys's conversation! You're both so shy and speak with ellipses! You'd be SUCH a CUTE couple!"

"I don't…see how…speech impediments…insinuate romance…" Wizard gave the girl named after the moon a quizzical look.

"Oh, please! You're a WAY better match for her then that meanie, drag queen, Julius!"

"LUNA!" Candace's hand shot up to her mouth.

"Holdf onth justa golf derth second!" another, extremely drunken voice entered the conversation.

Wizard, Luna, and Candace looked over to see an extremely tipsy Molly trying to stand near their table, sloshing around her red solo cup full of sake as she did so.

"_Red solo cup! I fill you up!" _sang Maya as she continued in her quest to hang the Wishmas lights.

"Ith anyone dates the Wizeard, it haths to be me," the farmer slurred.

"OR ME!" Akari called from the bar.

"M-molly. I t-t-think you've…drank…too…much," Candace timidly remarked.

Ignoring her, the drunken woman continued.

"We woulth be in a romanth too, but Wizeard is afard of _**angst**_."

"I can't…handle…angst…"Wizard sighed.

"So noth hitting on MY MANTH!" Molly swerved her way back to her seat.

"Chase! The food is burning!" Kathy called.

"AW CRAP!" the chef yelled as he sprinted back to the kitchen.

Luke jumped on top of the tables to get back to his seat and Kathy walked over to the popular seating place with her pad and paper ready.

"Hey everyone!" the waitress greeted, "What can I get ya'll this fine Wishmas Eve?"

"Do you have pie?" Luna squealed.

"Sure do! Apple or berry?"

"Berry!"

"I-I'll just…have herbal…tea…"Candace whispered.

"Anything with tomatoes," Gil place his order.

"Just…coffee for…me," requested Wizard.

Kathy pushed back her sleeves and groaned as they fell down again. She went back to the kitchen to give the orders to the begruntled purple cook. The four people at the table stared at each other and wondered what to do when all of a sudden…

CRASH!

A loud sound came from the direction of the bar. Everybody in the establishment looked over to see a shattered plate of waffles on the ground and Akari pinning Kasey to the wall by his semi-spiky hair.

"You. Killth. My. WATHLES!" she snarled at the annoyed farmer.

"Soth!" he sputtered, "You're STUPID!"

"Speakingth oth stupid," Kevin added, "Molly always feeth the cows chicken theed."

"Wellth, you made usth haf a pig for a houf pet!" Molly accused.

"Yeah!" agreed Kasey, "We coul'th hath a sheep-herding dog, buf NO! Kethin needed a stupid pig!"

"Speaking oth pigs, Molly'th one!" Akari slurred.

"WATH?" Molly also slurred.

"Yourth alwas crawling on the Wizeard! I liketh hith too!"

"Can anybody understand what they're saying?" asked Selena to everyone. There were a ton of shrugs.

"Thath it!" screamed Molly," I'm going to killth all free of you wif the spells I learnth from HOGWARTS!"

The enraged rancher grabbed a nearby spoon and stood on top of a table. She wielded the spoon as if it were a wand and took a dueling stance.

"Weth, I went to Hogwarts tooth!" Kevin grabbed a fork and stood across from her and prepared to fight.

"I'm a EARTHBENDER!" Akari exclaimed, "AND I WILL AVENG MY WATHLES!" she released Kasey in order to take a fighting stance.

Now free, Kasey ran to the bar and grabbed his cup of alcohol.

"I'm an SAKE BENDER!" he retorted and stood ready to attack.

The tension in the Brass Bar could not have been more confusing. All the sane, non-slurring patrons slowly gravitated to the walls and edges of the tiny room. Due to space issues, the tinier citizens were forced to stand on the soldiers of the largest. Owen had to carry ten people on his back, due to being a beefcake. It was deathly quiet except for the annoyed curses coming from Chase in the kitchen. Molly, Kevin, Akari, and Kasey leered each other down with the ferocity of ten thousand perturbed chickens. And let me tell you, chickens do not like to be perturbed. Don't believe me? Go play a Zelda game and attack one…

"Espeller amos!" Molly striked first, casting a spell at Kevin who was launched towards the wall.

Everyone who wasn't drunk looked at the real wizard for an explanation.

"There was…no…magic in…that. Kevin…launched himself…towards the wall…" Wizard remarked.

"Oh yeaf, Moley?" threatened Kevin as he picked himself up, "Take theys! Sliverous torborous!"

Molly began to jump and kick as if she were trying to defend herself from an invisible snake.

"Again….no…magic."

Meanwhile, Akari was waving her arms around in ecstatic motions as if she were preforming a martial art of some kind. Kasey stood a good three feet away from her and dodged nonexistent attacks even though she was too far away to hit him. He threw his cup of sake at her resulting in an alcohol drenched "earthbender." The small amount of force from the red solo cup pushed Akari backward onto the "wizard's duel" table causing the two phony magic users to teeter off of it and slam into Kasey.

Molly grabbed the squished, spikey haired Kasey and grappled him into a headlock. Kevin raised his fork above his head and brought it down towards Akari's face. The girl was able to roll out of the way causing the fork tongs to get stuck in the hardwood floor. Kasey, while being choked to death, grabbed a chair and threw it at his fellow male farmer. The force of the chair resulted in Kevin knocking Molly over and freeing Kasey, who was then assaulted by a serving platter courtesy of Akari.

Irene, the old woman who worked at the clinic, stood on top of a table.

"I'm taking bets!" she announced. "Who wants to join the pot?"

Residents clamored over to the old woman's table and began to take their bets on which farmer would come out on top during the Wishmas Eve Bar Fight 2011. Most bets were on Molly, for no real particular reason.

On the other side of the establishment, the fight raged on. Kasey had found the sake keg and was spraying the liquid at his fellow farmers as if it were a fire hose. Akari held her hands up in order to shield her face and slowly made her way towards the "sake bender." Meanwhile, Molly was pulling on Kevin's hair as he chewed on her leg. Akari made it over to Kasey and started to choke him Bart Simpson style. Kasey dropped the hose causing it to spray alcohol haphazardly around the whole bar.

"WHAT THE FRUITLOOPS IS GOING ON OUT HERE?" Chase bellowed from the kitchen.

When nobody answered, the poor purple clad cook was forced to walk out into the main room for an explanation. Unfortunately, that was also the moment Julius entered the bar…

Julius, a normally fashionable man, was not garbed in his regular attire. In place of his expensive, high end dreds, the violet haired man was wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans. On his head he wore a backwards baseball cap and was chewing on a piece of straw.

"Hellooooo, ladies!" Julius catcalled, "All you women look absolutely SMOKIN'!"

Everybody's jaws disconnected from their faces and started rolling around on the barely seeable floor. Kevin tripped over one and body slammed into Kasey who grabbed Molly's arm, which caused Akari to faceplant. This resulted in punches from all four farmers to the others.

"Especially YOU, Candace!" the strange Julius continued, "You are so HOT!"

The shy seamstress's entire body turned tomato red and she took refuge behind the somewhat exasperated Wizard. Luna wiggled her eyebrows at them.

"Wizeard is mine!" Molly threatened as she bit Kevin's hand.

"Or MINE!" Akari added as she attempted to gorge out Kasey's eyes.

Julius swaggered about the bar in a most manly way.

"And I also want everyone to know that I love football, fart jokes, and scratching myself!" he proclaimed, "I'm also not part of the recent kidnappings!"

"Gee, it like he's _**flamboyantly **_straight!" observed Phoebe.

"Oh, for the love of the goddess!" Chase facepalmed at the mess that was the ongoing bar fight, his uniform, the still not properly hung Wishmas lights, and the non-transvestite Julius.

At the sound of the chef's voice, Julius whipped around with masculine style to face Chase.

"Hey, Chase! Would you, Gil, Luke, and whoever 'Gale' is, mind coming with me? I'm not going to try and kidnap you guys or anything!"

"In your dreams, Lady Gaga!" Chase turned to go back into the kitchen.

Julius smirked and whipped out a gun.

"Oh, I think you'll find that you have no choice, darling…er…I mean…DUDE!" threatened the newfound gunman.

Everybody, farmers excluded, gasped and screamed.

Molly was busy hitting Akari upside the head with a spatula while Kevin yanked on the flappy part of her ears. Kasey was lapping up the spilled sake all over the floor in order to regain his strength.

Julius took the safety off of his gun.

"Well, what's it going to be?" he grinned at the bewildered cook.

Just as the wizard thought the night couldn't get any crazier…

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BOMB?" the witch cried as she burst into the bar.

Everyone's attention was taken off of the gunman and was transferred to the frazzled female magic user. The witch grabbed the nearest person, which happened to be Julius himself and shook him by the soldiers. This motion caused him to drop the firearm. Renee quickly grabbed it before it hit the ground.

"WE NEED TO FIND THAT BOMB NOW!" she screamed as she continued to shake the would-be kidnapper, "It's set to go off in TEN MINUTES!"

"Calm down. Where did you last see it?" inquired Toby.

The witch took a few deep breathes and tried to center herself. Meanwhile, Akari raised Kevin above her head and threw him up against the wall. Kasey was licking up the last of the floor sake and Molly was busy chugging down another keg.

"I last saw it on the table of my house. I had just put it inside of a coffee cake. I was going to give the cake to Wizard as a fake peace gift. Then, when he exploded, I was going to have all the fugue mushrooms to myself…" Witch wistfully sighed.

"You…never were…subtle," Wizard groaned.

"Err…Did you say 'coffee cake'?" a deep male voice bashfully asked.

Now everyone's heads turned in a different direction. Needless to say, everyone's necks got a good workout that night. The voice belonged to the suave adventurer, Calvin, who was hanging his hat in shame.

"Calvin," Phoebe groaned.

"I was adventuring in the forest earlier and I smelled the food. I-I had no idea the cake belonged to you, Madame. I am truly sorry," Calvin apologized to the fuming Witch.

"Do you ALWAYS eat random food you find laying around?" Phoebe inquired of her husband.

"Sure do, love! It's part of the adventure!"

"…Remind me not to kiss you…"

"NEED I REMIND YOU THAT THE BOMB IS GOING TO GO OFF IN EIGHT MINUTES?" Witch shrieked.

Sure enough, a soft ticking noise could be heard from within Calvin's belly. Jin ran over and up his stethoscope up to his stomach.

"The bomb must be removed from this man's system immediately!" the doctor reasoned.

"Well no DERP!" Chase remarked at the utter stupidity.

Jin ignored him and motioned to his wife, Anissa.

"Honey, hurry to the clinic and bring back the strongest laxatives you can find."

Anissa nodded and made her way to the door. Before she could reach it however…

Hamilton blocked her way. "And just where do you think you're going?" asked the stoutly mayor.

"Didn't you hear?" Anissa squealed, "We need to get that bomb out of Calvin!"

"_Nobody is to leave this bar! _**UNDERSTAND! IT IS IMPORTANT FOR THE WHOLE TOWN TO CELEBRATE FESTIVALS TOGETHER!**"

"But we're all going to die if we can't get it out of him!"

Hamilton pulled out a shotgun. Everybody, save for the still brawling farmers, let out a consecutive gasp.

"NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL MIDNIGHT!" he threatened.

"HOLY CRAP, MAN!" Anissa fainted.

"WHERE DO ALL THESE WEAPONS KEEP COMING FROM!" groaned Luna.

Kasey rolled into the barstools like a bowling ball as Molly ran after him with a spork. Akari found herself hanging from a lighting fixture after being launched at the ceiling courtesy of Kevin. She used the Wishmas lights to swing herself down toward her adversaries, causing the whole string to disconnect from the ceiling and Maya to sigh.

"Never mind the shotgun, for now. Do either of you know any bowel releasing spells?" Owen inquired of the Witch and Wizard.

"Nope!" the witch threw her hands up.

"Can't say….that…I do…either," the wizard sheepishly replied.

Chase crossed his arms, "I have a 20 ton jar of beans in the kitchen."

"GET IT!" everybody simultaneously yelled.

The cook ran into the bar's kitchen and quickly pushed the jar in question out. It was indeed a very large jar of beans, even if it really wasn't 20 whole tons.

"Time to chow down, Calvin!" Owen held the adventurer's mouth wide open as Jin and Chase poured the monstrous amount of beans down the terrified man's throat.

"FIVE MINUTES!" announced the witch.

Calvin kept swallowing and swallowing and didn't even pause once for air.

"FOUR MINUTES!"

Despite the utter blandness of the food, Calvin kept on swallowing.

"TWO MINUTES!"

The jar was now empty. Calvin dashed towards the bathroom. Phoebe ran after him.

"I can disarm the bomb when it comes out!" she cried.

"ONE MINUTE!"

Everyone's ears were pointed towards the restroom. Their very lives depended on the quickness of Calvin's bum.

"FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! O…"

"I GOT IT!" Phoebe announced.

The entire bar jumped out of their seats and cheered! They were alive! Then they all remembered that Julius had threatened them all with a gun earlier so Hayden brought out some handcuffs and the purple haired man was restrained. And, of course, the battle of the farmers continued to wage on. Wizard sat back down and sighed. Midnight was in five minutes. Nothing much else could happen in such a short amount of time, could it?

_**KABOOM!**_

A cowboy exploded down from the ceiling!

It was none other than the missing Vaughn!

"HELP!" he frantically cried, "They've already eaten Skye and Gray!"

"Who? Who has eaten Skye and Gray?" gasped Luke.

"The _**fanerlous girlnoablous**_!"

"A FANERLOUS GIRLNOABLOUS! HERE? IN CASTENET?"

"She's right behind me!"

Everyone looked up at the giant, gaping hole in the ceiling. Panic insued. During the commotion, a huge chocolate fountain was overturned, causing the entire bar to slowly be flooded with sticky goodness. The smell of the sugary concoction attracted a giant swarm of killer bees. The creatures flew through the hole and starting stinging all of the bar's patrons on their elbows. Everyone was so preoccupied with the new dangers that the sound of the town's clock striking midnight fell on deaf ears.

_**CRASH!**_

A giant boulder rolled through the bar! The fighting farmers, the bees, and the fanerlous girlnoablous all got stuck on it. The boulder rolled straight through the other wall and kept rolling until it in landed in the ocean.

Everyone watched this unfold with expressions of utter flabbergastedness.

"Best. Dues. Ex. Machida. Ever," Luke remarked.

"Actually, it was my wish for the bar to be destroyed by a giant boulder," remarked Hamilton.

"Oh. So best Chekov's Gun ever then."

Wizard vowed then and there to never attend another festival for the rest of his immortal life.

THE END

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